The Characteristics of Abuse and Control
by Jonathan Hart, LPC
I recently spoke at the Women’s Safe House on the subject of identifying and avoiding potentially abusive relationships. The presentation was called “How Not to Go Back: Finding a Different Kind of Mate”. What follows are a few of the ideas presented at that meeting.
Very often, as people move from relationship to relationship, they find themselves attracted to the same kind of person. They leave one relationship for whatever reason, and find themselves in a relationship with another person who looks, acts, thinks, and speaks in similar ways. The problems of the previous relationship happen all over again in the current one. This is especially troublesome when the other person is abusive or controlling.
Often “number one” on the list of criteria used to judge the suitability of a mate is their appearance, but what needs to be considered most carefully is what is on the inside. Charming behavior and kinds words all too often give way to harshness, belittling, demands, and even physical altercations.
While there is no single characteristic that guarantees that a person is an abuser, I have assembled a list of characteristics that are common among abusive or controlling partners. What follows is not exhaustive: I have tried to assemble a representative list of suggestions on how to see into a person’s character regarding how they will likely view and relate to a mate or partner.
I use the male pronoun because unfortunately, the vast majority of abusers are male. I do not in any way seek to suggest that “all men behave this way”. There are indeed men “out there” who are good, honorable, respectful, kind, and loving.
- Easy frustration or quick temper
- Jealousy or possessiveness (indicates a sense of ownership rather than partnership)
- Getting “carried away”, even in little or positive things (lack of control over impulses)
- Lies, excuses, cover-ups: “I didn’t mean it! I was drunk: it wasn’t me! It was the alcohol.”
- What happens when you say “No.”? If it is disregarded or discounted, take warning!
- Parent/Child relationship (you have rules and consequences for breaking them)
- History: Has he abused before? Does he use force to solve his problems?
- Pushing blame/lack of responsibility: “I wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t…” “You brought this on yourself. You made me mad.”
- Giving orders/making demands versus making requests or seeking your opinion.
- “I’m sorry, but…” The “but” undoes whatever came before it!
Areas to look at:
- Church/Faith/Religion: how is the language of “headship & submission” used? If being the “head” means “I get my way over yours” there is a potential problem!
- Family Patterns: What is his parents’ relationship like? How do his siblings relate to their significant others and children? How does he treat his mother?
- F.O.G.: Does he use Fear, Obligation, or Guilt to get his way? (‘You owe me! Look at all I do/provide for you!”)
- H.A.L.T.: Who is he when he is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? These are not valid excuses for lashing out!
Two Laws of Relationship:
- You ALWAYS have the right to say what happens to your body. Nobody can tell you that “You have to take it”.
- You are ALWAYS responsible for how you use your body. “You made me do it” is a lie.
I hope some of these ideas are useful as you think about your relationships or as you consider new ones. As I said before, no single characteristic or idea listed above guarantees that a person is abusive or controlling (or not so!). These are ideas to help you see what is on the inside of the person you are attracted to, and to hopefully help you choose someone who will treat you with the dignity and honor that every human being deserves.
Some reading this post may come to understand for the first time that you have experienced a relationship like that which is described above. Some already know it and feel it deeply. Some may realize that these are ways in which you habitually relate. Please understand that hope is real and change is possible. If you would like to discuss this post with me in a confidential manner, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org so we can arrange a time to talk.