FirstLight

Relational Trauma

By: Andy Gear, PLPC

I recently read a book entitled Your Sexually Addicted Spouse that I found very illuminating, and I wanted to pass on what I learned to you. In it Barbara Steffens specifically seeks to help partners of sexual addicts “survive, recover, and thrive.” But her ideas can be helpful for anyone dealing with pain from damaging relationships.

One of the most helpful ideas she brings up is the concept of relational trauma. When many of us think of trauma, we think about physical wounds. But she points out that victims of betrayal have also experienced very real trauma. This relational trauma is often just as painful and life altering as physical trauma. Many people even experience symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress as a result of being betrayed or emotionally victimized. The pain is increased when done by someone we should have been able to trust.

I have found this concept extremely helpful, because I have noticed that many people who have experienced consistent relational trauma tend to minimize what they have been through. People often believe that because they cannot locate one definitive trauma in their life, then they have no reason to feel hurt or traumatized. But Steffens helps us realize the lasting impact of chronic relational trauma.

The rest of the book proceeds to explain what it looks like to begin the journey of healing. If your life has been impacted by a damaging or hurtful relationship then I would encourage you not to ignore its impact. Please take the time to begin the journey of healing, because relational trauma is significant and your pain is real.

 

 

 

Sexually Addicted Families

By: Andy Gear, PLPC

I recently attended another workshop on Sexual Addiction by Dr. Richard Blankenship: president and director of the International Association of Certified Sexual Addiction Specialists (IACSAS).  This workshop was about Sexually Addicted Families, and I wanted to pass on a sampling of what I learned to you:

On average, children are now exposed to pornography at 8 years old (5 for boys):
     -Early exposure is imprinted on a child’s brain, and the images stay there.
     -These early experiences can shape arousal later in life.
     -These young children experience significant shame.
     -They are not developmentally ready to handle this and can become developmentally stunted.
This is a multi-dimensional problem that requires a multi-dimensional solution:
     -Blocking software is only one tool in the toolbox
          –Covenant Eyes or Safe Eyes (monitor and filter)
     -Address the shame involved
     -Provide accountability
     -Find community
     -Technology: a child should not have internet access behind a locked door.
     -Sex Education: helps prevent sexual addiction & should start immediately in developmentally       
      appropriate ways.
          -The number one trauma of sexual addicts is that no one ever talked to them about sex.
Families with these qualities often have the sexually healthiest kids (Coyle).
            -Good power balance in the family.
                        -It doesn’t mean full democracy, but not a full dictatorship either.

            -Flexible roles in the family.

                        -The family has a willingness to adapt.

            -Healthy and safe touch

                        -If kids don’t find healthy contact, they will find alternatives.

                       

Allure of the Web for Women:

-Immediate (though artificial) sense of connection

-Eliminates inconvenience & risks of face to face interaction

-Provides total control of sexuality & relationship

-Provides unlimited supply of potential partners

-Illusion: “you’re going to make me feel whole/complete me”

            -No person can do this.

Affects of Sexual Addiction on Women:

            -Often cuts more to the core of their identity

            -More shame: hate themselves/not just their behavior

            -Hate their femininity: feel devalued

            -Women have different consequences: pregnancy, cultural stigma, shame

Common Consequences for the Spouse of a Sexual Addict:

1.     Abandonment by spouse, friends, family & church

2.     Financial ruin or absent finances

3.     Financial dependency

4.     STD’s

5.     Lack of boundaries

6.     Emotional abuse

7.     Physical abuse

8.     Isolation

9.     Physical and emotional illness

How to Help the Spouse of a Sexual Addict:

            1. Husband:
                    -Don’t: deny, minimize, blame
                    -Do: confess, repent, show remorse
            2. Friends:

                    -Don’t: blame, withdraw, be afraid, give incorrect information

                    -Do: support, validate, show empathy

            3. Church:

                    -Don’t: blame, isolate, provide inadequate or incorrect information,
                     gossip, pressure to “forgive & forget.”
                    -Do: provide support, safety, empathy, encouragement, prayer
What to look for in your Sexually Addicted Spouse:

1.     Openness

2.     Brokenness

3.     Humility

4.     Consistency

Enemies of Recovery:

1.     Pride

2.     Arrogance

3.     Isolation

4.     External Focus

             

Unhealthy Family Messages of Sexual Addicts

1.     I can’t depend on people because people are unpredictable

2.     I am worthless if people don’t approve of me.

3.     I must keep people from getting close to me so that they can’t hurt me

4.     If I don’t perform perfectly, my mistakes will have tragic results.

5.     If I express my thoughts and needs I will lose the love and approval I desperately need.

Sexual Fantasy Attempts to meet Desires of the Heart:

1.     To have a voice

2.     To be safe

3.     To be chosen

4.     To be included

5.     To be blessed or praised

6.     To be attached, connected, or bonded

7.     To be affirmed

8.     To be touched (in healthy non-sexual ways).

Addictive Sexuality is:

1.     Uncontrollable

2.     Obligation

3.     Hurtful

4.     Condition of love

5.     Secretive

6.     Exploitative

7.     Benefits one person

8.     Emotionally distant

9.     Unsafe

Healthy Sexuality is:

1.     Controllable energy

2.     A natural drive

3.     Nurturing/healing

4.     Expression of love

5.     Private/sacred

6.     Mutual

7.     Intimate

8.     Safe

                       

Help for Healing:

1.     Learn about healthy sexuality

2.     Accept Support and Accountability

3.     Find a Mentor

4.     Join a Therapy Group

5.     Seek Counseling

6.     Work through family of origin and trauma issues.

7.     Look for safe Community

We can’t just ignore our issues and hope they get better. But if we address our problems, we can experience lasting change. “What we bury rises again, what we make peace with truly dies.” (Blankenship).

Understanding and Treating Sexual Addiction

by: Andy Gear, PLPC

This Friday and Saturday we (two other Avenues counselors and I) attended a workshop on Understanding and Treating Sexual Addiction taught by Richard Blankenship: author, president, and director of the International Association of Certified Sexual Addiction Specialists (IACSAS)I wanted to pass some of what I learned on to you:

Addiction is the excessive use of pleasure and excitement to obliterate emotional pain 
   Addictive Sexuality ends in despair and shame
      Healthy Sexuality ends in joy and connectedness (Hatterer)

An addict’s Core Beliefs are:
    1. I am a bad, unworthy person
    2. No one would love me as I am
    3. No one will meet my needs
    4. Sex or a relationship is my most important need
    5. God is not powerful enough or trustworthy enough to meet my deepest needs (Carnes)

Basically an addict believes that grace is for everyone but me. Addicts are full of shame, which can be described as:
    Self
    Hatred 
    Accepting 
    M
    Enslavement

This shame and wounds from one’s past help drive the cycle of addiction: 

Some things I should know if I am a spouse of a sexual addict: 
       1. Don’t blame yourself for the perpetrators problem 
       2. Don’t minimize the grief and pain
       3. Stay in community

       4. The only person you can be responsible for is you!

Some things I should know if I am a sexual addict:
       1. Sexual Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder at its core
       2. Recovery must take place in community
       3. Pride, arrogance, and isolation are the top enemies of recovery 

       4. Recovery takes work, but it is doable!

Tools of Recovery:
     1. Join a Support Group
    FirstLight
                Celebrate Recovery
             Therapy Groups
             L.I.F.E Groups
     2. Find a good Counselor (Blankenship)

Does any of this sound like you or your spouse? If so, I would encourage you to begin this process as soon as possible. It is never too late to start the journey towards healthy sexuality! 

Why can’t I handle it on my own?

By: Andy Gear

When I think about life before the Fall, I don’t think of people going around lonely. But that thought comforted me because I realized loneliness in my own life doesn’t mean I am a complete screwup, rather God made me this way. You always picture the perfect human being as somebody who doesn’t need anybody, like a guy on a horse in Colorado or whatever. But here is Adam, the only perfect guy in the world, and he is going around wanting to be with somebody else, needing another person to fulfill a certain emptiness in his life . . . I wondered at how beautiful it is that you and I were created to need each other. The romantic need is just the beginning, because we need our families and we need our friends. In this way, we are made in God’s image. Certainly God does not need people in the way you and I do, but He feels a joy at being loved, and He feels a joy at delivering love. It is a striking thought to realize that, in paradise, a human is incomplete without a host of other people. We are relational indeed
Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
I often feel like I should be able to handle all my problems on my own. Images of John Wayne and Bruce Willis float through my mind as I suck up my pain and try unsuccessfully to pull myself back up by my bootstraps. If only I just relied on God more, all my loneliness would just melt away. But as I read the first chapters of Genesis, I begin to question this assumption. Adam walked in the garden in perfect fellowship with God, and even then God said that Adam needed other people. He didn’t create us to be lone wolves. He created us to need each other, and He doesn’t call this weakness. He calls it being made in the image of God. We are relational, like our Father.

Growth in maturity doesn’t mean learning to solve all our problems on our own. Seeking caring, empathetic, and authentic relationship is not a concession for the weak. It is the wisdom that comes from realizing who we were made to be. We were not made to ‘stick it out’ on our own. In the Old Testament God called a family and a nation. In the New Testament He called His church to do life as a community of brothers and sisters. He wanted us to understand our need for help in this journey. Why can’t I handle it on my own? It’s not because there is something wrong with me. I was never meant to do it alone.  

I would like to introduce you to…



Lianne Johnson, LPC

As humans we struggle with many things.  Some struggles are easier to talk about, while others cause us to hide.  Mention the word sex and most of the time people shrink back from the conversation.  Mention the struggle of same-sex attraction or sexual addiction and more often than not, people will find another conversation of which to become a part. 
FirstLight is a not-for-profit ministry organization seeking to make these types of struggles and conversations better understood and easier to talk about.  They focus on walking alongside, those struggling with same-sex attractions and sexual addictions.  Recently they also began offering support groups for family members, spouses, and others walking intimately with an individual struggling in sexual ways. 
Sean Maney, the Director of FirstLight since 2010, has greatly expanded the ministry.  When he arrived, FirstLight had 2-3 volunteers with 2 groups, and now there are 20 volunteers who are running and developing 13 groups!
I had the opportunity to sit with down with him over a good cup of coffee and discuss the ministry of FirstLight.  I asked him some questions, which he kindly answered.  Here is what he had to say…

Q:  Lianne:  “Tell me about the ministry of FirstLight.”


A:  Sean:  “FirstLight ministries began a little over 10 years ago when a group of pastors and counselors saw a need for there to be a more compassionate response to homosexually within the church.  They desired to create a loving place for people struggling with homosexuality to be supported.  This group of pastors and counselors prayed for roughly 4 years about creating a ministry to support this identified need.  From this desire and faithful prayer came FirstLight. 
In 2003, FirstLight became a not-for-profit.  FirstLight desires to walk alongside the church and support its ministry to those struggling with homosexuality.  While initially FirstLight sought to solely address the struggle of homosexuality, now we have expanded our ministry to include sexual addictions, same-sex attraction, pornography addiction, and support for spouses & parents who have family members struggling with these issues.  Overall, our focus is to be a safe place for those in the community and in the church who are facing these types of issues. 
FirstLight also aims to teach and train within the community about these issues.”  

Q:  Lianne:  “What groups are you currently offering?”  


A:  Sean:  “Currently we are offering 6 groups for men with sex addictions, a group for men with same-sex attraction, a spouse & parent support group, and a group for women with same-sex attraction/addiction.”

Q:  Lianne:  “Are these groups confidential?”  

A:  Sean:  “Yes.  The groups are kept small and are led by trained facilitators.  We place a high priority on keeping identity and stories confidential.  We have had leaders in the church (including pastors) in the program and are very aware of the need to keep our work confidential.” 
Q:  Lianne:  “Are there areas of FirstLight’s ministry you hope to grow in the next year?”  


A:  Sean:  “Of course!  We would love to see all of our areas grow.  Specifically, we would like to see our ministry to women grow; our groups for women who are struggling with same-sex attraction and sexual addiction.  Statistics say 1 in 4 porn users are women.  In this next year we hope to raise enough funds to hire a female director to help me lead these ministries. 
Also, we would like to continue growing our partnerships with churches in the area.” 

Q:  Lianne:  “Does FirstLight have a ‘Wish List’?”  


A:  Sean:  “Our first and most immediate wish would be for us to raise enough funds that would enable us to hire a female director. 
At this time, our groups are held all around the St. Louis area in churches and counseling centers that partner with us.  Although we want to continue having our groups offered all throughout the St. Louis area, a wish is to have a ministry “house” that would allow for centralized offices and groups. 
A third wish is to have someone come on staff who can nurture our community contacts and donors.  Part of this is helping churches talk about these issues.  We are a voice for people who are struggling with these issues.  We have found the support we receive from the community, whether that be financial or prayers, to be a great source of encouragement for those we serve. 
Expanding our base of supporters is another big wish we have.  We need individuals and churches to financially support us, and to support our ministry within the community.  Frankly, we need many more people to give financially to our ministry.  FirstLight is a donation-based ministry; churches and individuals in the area support us.  We hope to be a blessing to people, and as they are able we hope that people are able to bless us in return.
We don’t want anyone in the church or our community who is struggling with these issues to not get the help they need.”

Q:  Lianne:  “How can someone find out more about FirstLight?”  


A:  Sean:  “The best way is to go to our website www.firstlightstlouis.org.”